Monday, June 14, 2010


porter where do i even start?
why is life so crazy lately?
it's driving me crazy.
i'm sick of being all emotional all the time and the most little thing setting me off.
i went to the ask for the future concert on friday.
i was SO excited.
i was gonna go with my mom and my sister, but they couldn't go so i had to find someone else to go with me.
and i knew that with the person that said they could go, it probably wouldn't work out as perfect as i wanted it to.
i was so excited to see your band, and then see allred.
that was going to be the highlight of my year.
we were gonna go to gateway and get this ring i wanted, and then her friend called, and i thought he'd be fun to hang out with.
so we went and picked him and his friend up and went to the concert.
and they ended up telling me something that made me soo mad and i was mad at everyone, and everything.
it started to make my tummy hurt.
the girl ended up randomly leaving while your band was setting up.
and right when she left, they wanted to leave too,
but i didn't want to leave at least without hearing your song.
so i asked if we could just stay until i heard one song, and then i would take them back.
it was so awkward. i hated it.
it's not fun at all being with people when you know they just want to leave.
and the reason why they want to leave is because the "pretty, fun girl" left.
i don't even want to be the fun pretty girl, because honestly, i could care less.
and they always have so much drama. it doesn't seem worth it. i just want people to be nice and treat me with respect.
it all just made me miss you.
i don't know why, probably because you never ever treated me like that.
so by the time ask for the future started playing, i was upset about those boys being jerks, and i was upset about something else that had happened, and i was upset that i missed you, and that the girl i was with just ditched me.
is it bad it still hasn't hit me that your gone?
and that you aren't coming back?
at the concert my brain was obviously dead, and it was being so stupid, because all i could think was "i wish porter was playing. it's okay, he's just on vacation, he'll be back."
i don't even know why.
it's just not... real yet.
i don't think it will ever be real to me.
it can't be real that someone my age, that i care about sooo much can be gone forever.
and then i would realize you weren't on vacation.
i guess i could think of it like that, because i'm sure were you are is much better then where i am.
but i can't count day the days til you come home or anything.
i think that's the hardest part for me.
you already know, but ask for the future did amazing. like always.
and all i could do was look at the bass player.
they played your song, and just like last time, i couldn't even make it to the words before i started crying.
and the chorus has been stuck in my head all weekend.
i want them to hurry and record it so i can listen to it whenever i want.
that will be a good day(:
we all miss you so much.

Thursday, June 3, 2010


porter can i be honest.?
i miss you so much today.
i just barely realized that's part of my little funk today.
there's other things, but i think it's mostly that i miss you.
my mom told me secondhand serenade is coming to thanksgiving point july 17.
i wanna go sooo bad.
but i don't know who to go with.
i feel like concerts are something special, and i'm suppose to go with someone special.
but i don't have you to go with anymore.
the last secondhand serenade concert at thanksgiving point was the last time i ever saw you.
ever. and i'm still so embarassed about that.
i dropped off the planet pretty much, and dropped pretty much everyone from my life.
i hate it, and i wish so badly i could change it.
if i go i'm going to feel like something huge is missing.
because you'll be missing.
i haven't had the braclet me and will and brian made for you on lately.
but not because i haven't wanted to.
to tell the truth i thought i lost it, and i hateddd myself.
deep down i knew it had to be somewhere in all my crap, but i couldn't figure out where.
but today while i was walking in the laundry room i decided to look down and i saw it on the ground:)
it made me so happy.
and i don't think i'll everrrr take it off again.
your band was on some mtv show last night.
i didn't watch it, but they said it was on, and i happen to think that's the coolest thing ever.
wanna know what else would be the coolest thing ever.?
if you were here to play with allred.
that would make the rest of my life so happy to see you stage, and then him.
i would be so proud.
i am so proud.
i'm so lucky i got to call you my friend, and still can.
i wanna go on the hike again porter.
but i don't think i'll make it.
i swear i can barely walk lately without getting sick.
i hate it.
i feel like i can't do anything.
but it's okay.
i know that only the best can come out of this situation.
i need to go see your grave.
i feel like i'm the last person to.
probably because i am.
i'm seriously such a bad friend.
even my sister went the other day.
she said she swore she could feel you.
and i totally believe her.
i love that even though your not here anymore you still continue to touch people.
and you let us all know your okay, and that your happy.
i don't think i could even handle any of this if you hadn't given me those moments of peace and happiness where i could feel you.
the one that stands out most is when i was on the hike and i felt so peaceful.
i wanted to cry, but then everything just felt right.
you were where you were suppose to be, and i was where i was suppose to be.
your family came up the canyon with us to our cabin and it was so much fun.
i love them all.
so many things that your brothers did or said reminded me of you so much.
everything about them reminds me of you.
their teeth, their eyebrows, their voices, everything.
you always had perfect eyebrows, and i always envied you for that.
there was never a hair out growing in the wrong place, and i'm pretty sure you never waxed or plucked them. you lucky boy.
when we were all sitting around the fire i looked over at jordan and i swore for a second it was you.
he looked identical to you.
it was so crazy, but it was comforting.
keep watching over all of us.
it means everything to me.