03.01.11

dear porter,

i can’t believe that on saturday it will have been a year since we haven’t had you. i miss you more then anyone will ever be able to understand. you were the boy i could always count on. to make me laugh, to cheer me up, to make me smile, to just be silly with. i’m sitting here listening to “hear you me” on repeat, watching atty in her swing thinking about how much i miss you, and how i wish you could be here more then anything. when i see atty i think there’s no way that you two weren’t up playing in heaven, or that you didn’t teach her to be happy and always have a good attitude. that might sound crazy, but i really believe it.

you’re the reason i’ve made it through everything that’s happened in the last year, even without you here. i remember your mom telling me a story about her being at girls camp and it was “alone time” and she was praying and asked you to watch over me and she felt you telling her you would, (i think that's how it went. if not please correct me..) and i know you did. your not far from my heart at all. all our memories cross my mind so many times a day. like driving to metro station and getting sooo lost, going to secondhand serenade, when me and jessica made you let us do your hair and take pictures, going to a different metro station concert, you pulling me in a wagon and drawing on my sidewalk with chalk, going to the dark knight, watching batman at my neighbors house, saying we were going to throw food at jessicas house… even though we all knew we would be friends again. hahaha

on saturday jessica, will, and i are going to your grave. me and jessica have dedicated our day to you. it’s going to be such a hard day. it will be bitter sweet. i know you aren’t far from anyones heart but its still hard to not have you here.

i’m sorry i wasn’t as good of a friend as i could have been at the end. it’s all my fault, and there isn’t a day that goes by that i don’t regret it. thank you for everything you’ve taught me.<3

may angels lead you in sweet boy.

11.03.10

dear porter,

you've been on my mind so much. you always are, and always have been.

it's not getting easier at all as time goes on.

i don't think i like the whole "time heals all wounds" quote.

i don't know why, i just feel like i can give you being gone all the time in the world, but i will never ever be fully healed.

it's still weird to me that i can't even text you.

i got a new phone, and your number is in there.

it's never going to be deleted. i'm going to keep putting it in whatever phone i get.

probably for the rest of my life.

i know i shouldn't be asking for anything, but can i ask you for something?

can you keep my little atty entertained with the time she has left up there? just five more weeks.

maybe you guys already do run around together and play and talk and laugh.

maybe you can teach her a few things. like all the things i admired about you.

if i could choose one thing for you to teach her it would be your outlook on everything.

i want her to always be happy, just like you. i want her to see everything positively like you did.

i hope she has a bright smile like yours, and has that twinkle in her eye.

i want her to love life, and everything about. like you.

i wish she could be just like you, but i won't get my hopes up.

the party everyone had in honor of your birthday was amazing. i want to put that night on repeat sometimes.

your band was amazing. i couldn't hold my tears back when they sang the song they wrote for you, but with your favorite keane song as the intro.

remember when we were driving to the metro station concert and didn't really know who they were?

we were listening to their cd and i was like "oh, this song is awesome! i love this song!" and i would never let you listen to keane. i don't know why, i just said i didn't like them and i kept to it, even though i never listened to them. i was a brat. i'm reallll sorry about that, by the way.

but you tricked me and put a keane cd in and said it was more metro station, and i thought it was. and i liked it. and then you gave it away that it wasn't metro station, and i said i didn't really like it.

i've been listening to metro station a lot lately. because it reminds me of you.

i always look at the moutains and think about you too.

i miss you, and i always willll.

07.20.10

porter i've been SO bad about blogging.
i feel so selfish for not taking the few minutes out of my day to write you something.
but even if i haven't written, i'm sure you know you're still on my mind.
all the time.
especially yesterday.
yesterday i gotta find out what my babyy is.
i was SO hoping for a boy, like really, so bad.
i was gonna name him addison river weisenburger.
after the two most influential boys in my life.
but you and river have had completely different influences in my life.
you've always always been there for me.
even if sometime i didn't like you telling me i was being dramatic and that i needed to get over it.
and rivers just been there lately with all my drama.
and half of me just think it sounds so cute together.
we were all CONVINCED it was a boy.
we all called it addison. all the time.
bad idea. we jinxed it.
it's a little baby girll.
but that's okay:)
i know i could still name it addison, cuz it's an adorable name for a girl, but i want it to be a boy.
and make him play bass. and make him love hiking. and make him love lots of things that you loved.
honestly, i was really sad when they said girl.
like i didn't even know what to do.
but now i'm excited for a girl.
looking at all the cute pink sassy things i can buy and make.
i'll have my little addison one day,
i can promise you that(:
my little attryel will hear about you so much that it will practically be like she knows you.
thanks for everything porter.
there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about you, and how much i miss you.

06.14.10

porter where do i even start?

why is life so crazy lately?

it's driving me crazy.

i'm sick of being all emotional all the time and the most little thing setting me off.

i went to the ask for the future concert on friday.

i was SO excited.

i was gonna go with my mom and my sister, but they couldn't go so i had to find someone else to go with me.

and i knew that with the person that said they could go, it probably wouldn't work out as perfect as i wanted it to.

i was so excited to see your band, and then see allred.

that was going to be the highlight of my year.

we were gonna go to gateway and get this ring i wanted, and then her friend called, and i thought he'd be fun to hang out with.

so we went and picked him and his friend up and went to the concert.

and they ended up telling me something that made me soo mad and i was mad at everyone, and everything.

it started to make my tummy hurt.

the girl ended up randomly leaving while your band was setting up.

and right when she left, they wanted to leave too,

but i didn't want to leave at least without hearing your song.

so i asked if we could just stay until i heard one song, and then i would take them back.

it was so awkward. i hated it.

it's not fun at all being with people when you know they just want to leave.

and the reason why they want to leave is because the "pretty, fun girl" left.

i don't even want to be the fun pretty girl, because honestly, i could care less.

and they always have so much drama. it doesn't seem worth it. i just want people to be nice and treat me with respect.

it all just made me miss you.

i don't know why, probably because you never ever treated me like that.

so by the time ask for the future started playing, i was upset about those boys being jerks, and i was upset about something else that had happened, and i was upset that i missed you, and that the girl i was with just ditched me.

is it bad it still hasn't hit me that your gone?

and that you aren't coming back?

at the concert my brain was obviously dead, and it was being so stupid, because all i could think was "i wish porter was playing. it's okay, he's just on vacation, he'll be back."

i don't even know why.

it's just not... real yet.

i don't think it will ever be real to me.

it can't be real that someone my age, that i care about sooo much can be gone forever.

and then i would realize you weren't on vacation.

i guess i could think of it like that, because i'm sure were you are is much better then where i am.

but i can't count day the days til you come home or anything.

i think that's the hardest part for me.

you already know, but ask for the future did amazing. like always.

and all i could do was look at the bass player.

they played your song, and just like last time, i couldn't even make it to the words before i started crying.

and the chorus has been stuck in my head all weekend.

i want them to hurry and record it so i can listen to it whenever i want.

that will be a good day(:

we all miss you so much.

06.03.10

porter can i be honest.?
i miss you so much today.
i just barely realized that's part of my little funk today.
there's other things, but i think it's mostly that i miss you.
my mom told me secondhand serenade is coming to thanksgiving point july 17.
i wanna go sooo bad.
but i don't know who to go with.
i feel like concerts are something special, and i'm suppose to go with someone special.
but i don't have you to go with anymore.
the last secondhand serenade concert at thanksgiving point was the last time i ever saw you.
ever. and i'm still so embarassed about that.
i dropped off the planet pretty much, and dropped pretty much everyone from my life.
i hate it, and i wish so badly i could change it.
if i go i'm going to feel like something huge is missing.
because you'll be missing.
i haven't had the braclet me and will and brian made for you on lately.
but not because i haven't wanted to.
to tell the truth i thought i lost it, and i hateddd myself.
deep down i knew it had to be somewhere in all my crap, but i couldn't figure out where.
but today while i was walking in the laundry room i decided to look down and i saw it on the ground:)
it made me so happy.
and i don't think i'll everrrr take it off again.
your band was on some mtv show last night.
amazing.
i didn't watch it, but they said it was on, and i happen to think that's the coolest thing ever.
wanna know what else would be the coolest thing ever.?
if you were here to play with allred.
that would make the rest of my life so happy to see you stage, and then him.
i would be so proud.
i am so proud.
i'm so lucky i got to call you my friend, and still can.
i wanna go on the hike again porter.
but i don't think i'll make it.
i swear i can barely walk lately without getting sick.
i hate it.
i feel like i can't do anything.
but it's okay.
i know that only the best can come out of this situation.
i need to go see your grave.
i feel like i'm the last person to.
probably because i am.
i'm seriously such a bad friend.
even my sister went the other day.
she said she swore she could feel you.
and i totally believe her.
i love that even though your not here anymore you still continue to touch people.
and you let us all know your okay, and that your happy.
i don't think i could even handle any of this if you hadn't given me those moments of peace and happiness where i could feel you.
the one that stands out most is when i was on the hike and i felt so peaceful.
i wanted to cry, but then everything just felt right.
you were where you were suppose to be, and i was where i was suppose to be.
your family came up the canyon with us to our cabin and it was so much fun.
i love them all.
so many things that your brothers did or said reminded me of you so much.
everything about them reminds me of you.
their teeth, their eyebrows, their voices, everything.
you always had perfect eyebrows, and i always envied you for that.
there was never a hair out growing in the wrong place, and i'm pretty sure you never waxed or plucked them. you lucky boy.
when we were all sitting around the fire i looked over at jordan and i swore for a second it was you.
he looked identical to you.
it was so crazy, but it was comforting.
keep watching over all of us.
it means everything to me.

05.21.10

tonight was amazing.

i'm so glad i got to go and be apart of the concert tonight.

i only stayed for ask for the future though.

i just had no other reason or motivation to watch other bands.

they had no meaning to me.

it was kind of emotional.

when they started playing their first song i had to hold back tears.

i could feel them coming up but i knew if i started then i'd cry the whole time.

i just stared at the guy playing bass and thought it should be you instead.

he's all i could look at.

at the beginning there weren't very many people there and i could see the whole band from the back where i was sitting down.

with my momma and your momma, and your dad, and your brother and his girlfriend.

but as more people started showing up i slowly could see less and less of the stage,

but i could always. always see the bassist.

which made me wish even more that is was you.

so i could get to see you preform.

just once.

there was a time when these people came in, a group of three, and they blocked my whole view.

but after about 15 seconds two of them took a few steps over and once again, i could see the guy playing the bass.

i think that was a message.?

i don't know what the message was.

or maybe it's in my head.

i honestly have no idea.

i felt so lucky i got to be there while your sweet family experienced the concert.

i wonder what their experience was like.

i wonder if they wanted to cry. or if they were happy. or what.

it's really none of my business, stuff like that just fascinates me.

i love knowing how people feel.

i'm pretty sure you loved the song they wrote for you.

i really did let quite a few tears out during that.

the words hit me so hard.

they were so... heart felt and amazing.

it was such a special moment for me, and it kinda made me mad to look around and see people talking and laughing and kinda dancing stupid.

that might be a little dramatic, but it did.

i felt like that was suppose to be your moment for the night, and people didn't even know.

i know it was written for people to enjoy, but i just don't feel like it was a happy enjoy moment.

more of like a somber, special remembrance enjoy.

i don't know if that makes sense or if it's just me.

can i tell you how cute i think your family is.

i don't know, i just love them.

i love your mom. she's so sweet and so strong.

i love your dad. he makes me laugh. i don't think he even means to.

i love your sister. she wrote all those sweet letters to you when you were first gone.

i love your brothers. they remind me of you.

i don't know why, but the second i saw your mom at the funeral i just had a feeling she was someone i wanted to stay in touch with.

she's someone i wanted in my life.

and she's an amazing example to me.

i wanna be more like her.

especially when i grow up and get to be a mom to a sweet boy like you.

who will be named addison.

i promise you.

my heart is set on naming my first boy after you.

after your band was done i got a cd, and a shirt, and pins:)

it made me so happy.

and then my mom bought me ANOTHER shirt, a bigger one.

so i could sleep in it:)

which means if i get fat, i'll always be able to wear it.

yayy.

i can't wait for the next concert i go to.

i already know when it is.

june 11, at the same place,

with allred.

we love allred remember.?

at the secondhand serenade concert he opened for we stood there and sang the with or without you song.

member.?

i do.

we called jessicas mom and left it on her voice mail.

i wish you could be there to play with him.

that would be MY dream come true.

and i think that you would think it was pretty cool.

i can only imagine the text you would send me telling me about it:)

i wish you could text me. and tell me alllll about it.

i have so much on my mind. and this is already so long.

just know, ask for the future is my new favorite.

i'm listening to the cd right now.

and wearing my shirt:)

and now i'm going to go to beddd.

i know your happy with how the show went tonight.

i just wish it was you.

05.20.10

can i just tell you...

how excited i am for the concert tomorrow.?

i've been looking forward to it so much that this week has felt like a billion.

it sucks.

i just want it to be here.

i hope they let me buy tickets there, or i will be distraught.

it will be terrible.

i wrote you a letter today during school,

but i don't know if i want to write it on here, because it was so super dramatic.

i don't want anyone to think i'm psychotic.

even though i can be.

i miss you.

a whole lot.

i wish i could just text you and tell you about everything so you could tell me i was being dramatic,

or that everything would be okay.

i love love love reading what people write on your facebook wall.

and everything that they loved about you.

it just makes me smile.

:)