07.20.10

porter i've been SO bad about blogging.
i feel so selfish for not taking the few minutes out of my day to write you something.
but even if i haven't written, i'm sure you know you're still on my mind.
all the time.
especially yesterday.
yesterday i gotta find out what my babyy is.
i was SO hoping for a boy, like really, so bad.
i was gonna name him addison river weisenburger.
after the two most influential boys in my life.
but you and river have had completely different influences in my life.
you've always always been there for me.
even if sometime i didn't like you telling me i was being dramatic and that i needed to get over it.
and rivers just been there lately with all my drama.
and half of me just think it sounds so cute together.
we were all CONVINCED it was a boy.
we all called it addison. all the time.
bad idea. we jinxed it.
it's a little baby girll.
but that's okay:)
i know i could still name it addison, cuz it's an adorable name for a girl, but i want it to be a boy.
and make him play bass. and make him love hiking. and make him love lots of things that you loved.
honestly, i was really sad when they said girl.
like i didn't even know what to do.
but now i'm excited for a girl.
looking at all the cute pink sassy things i can buy and make.
i'll have my little addison one day,
i can promise you that(:
my little attryel will hear about you so much that it will practically be like she knows you.
thanks for everything porter.
there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about you, and how much i miss you.

06.14.10

porter where do i even start?

why is life so crazy lately?

it's driving me crazy.

i'm sick of being all emotional all the time and the most little thing setting me off.

i went to the ask for the future concert on friday.

i was SO excited.

i was gonna go with my mom and my sister, but they couldn't go so i had to find someone else to go with me.

and i knew that with the person that said they could go, it probably wouldn't work out as perfect as i wanted it to.

i was so excited to see your band, and then see allred.

that was going to be the highlight of my year.

we were gonna go to gateway and get this ring i wanted, and then her friend called, and i thought he'd be fun to hang out with.

so we went and picked him and his friend up and went to the concert.

and they ended up telling me something that made me soo mad and i was mad at everyone, and everything.

it started to make my tummy hurt.

the girl ended up randomly leaving while your band was setting up.

and right when she left, they wanted to leave too,

but i didn't want to leave at least without hearing your song.

so i asked if we could just stay until i heard one song, and then i would take them back.

it was so awkward. i hated it.

it's not fun at all being with people when you know they just want to leave.

and the reason why they want to leave is because the "pretty, fun girl" left.

i don't even want to be the fun pretty girl, because honestly, i could care less.

and they always have so much drama. it doesn't seem worth it. i just want people to be nice and treat me with respect.

it all just made me miss you.

i don't know why, probably because you never ever treated me like that.

so by the time ask for the future started playing, i was upset about those boys being jerks, and i was upset about something else that had happened, and i was upset that i missed you, and that the girl i was with just ditched me.

is it bad it still hasn't hit me that your gone?

and that you aren't coming back?

at the concert my brain was obviously dead, and it was being so stupid, because all i could think was "i wish porter was playing. it's okay, he's just on vacation, he'll be back."

i don't even know why.

it's just not... real yet.

i don't think it will ever be real to me.

it can't be real that someone my age, that i care about sooo much can be gone forever.

and then i would realize you weren't on vacation.

i guess i could think of it like that, because i'm sure were you are is much better then where i am.

but i can't count day the days til you come home or anything.

i think that's the hardest part for me.

you already know, but ask for the future did amazing. like always.

and all i could do was look at the bass player.

they played your song, and just like last time, i couldn't even make it to the words before i started crying.

and the chorus has been stuck in my head all weekend.

i want them to hurry and record it so i can listen to it whenever i want.

that will be a good day(:

we all miss you so much.

06.03.10

porter can i be honest.?
i miss you so much today.
i just barely realized that's part of my little funk today.
there's other things, but i think it's mostly that i miss you.
my mom told me secondhand serenade is coming to thanksgiving point july 17.
i wanna go sooo bad.
but i don't know who to go with.
i feel like concerts are something special, and i'm suppose to go with someone special.
but i don't have you to go with anymore.
the last secondhand serenade concert at thanksgiving point was the last time i ever saw you.
ever. and i'm still so embarassed about that.
i dropped off the planet pretty much, and dropped pretty much everyone from my life.
i hate it, and i wish so badly i could change it.
if i go i'm going to feel like something huge is missing.
because you'll be missing.
i haven't had the braclet me and will and brian made for you on lately.
but not because i haven't wanted to.
to tell the truth i thought i lost it, and i hateddd myself.
deep down i knew it had to be somewhere in all my crap, but i couldn't figure out where.
but today while i was walking in the laundry room i decided to look down and i saw it on the ground:)
it made me so happy.
and i don't think i'll everrrr take it off again.
your band was on some mtv show last night.
amazing.
i didn't watch it, but they said it was on, and i happen to think that's the coolest thing ever.
wanna know what else would be the coolest thing ever.?
if you were here to play with allred.
that would make the rest of my life so happy to see you stage, and then him.
i would be so proud.
i am so proud.
i'm so lucky i got to call you my friend, and still can.
i wanna go on the hike again porter.
but i don't think i'll make it.
i swear i can barely walk lately without getting sick.
i hate it.
i feel like i can't do anything.
but it's okay.
i know that only the best can come out of this situation.
i need to go see your grave.
i feel like i'm the last person to.
probably because i am.
i'm seriously such a bad friend.
even my sister went the other day.
she said she swore she could feel you.
and i totally believe her.
i love that even though your not here anymore you still continue to touch people.
and you let us all know your okay, and that your happy.
i don't think i could even handle any of this if you hadn't given me those moments of peace and happiness where i could feel you.
the one that stands out most is when i was on the hike and i felt so peaceful.
i wanted to cry, but then everything just felt right.
you were where you were suppose to be, and i was where i was suppose to be.
your family came up the canyon with us to our cabin and it was so much fun.
i love them all.
so many things that your brothers did or said reminded me of you so much.
everything about them reminds me of you.
their teeth, their eyebrows, their voices, everything.
you always had perfect eyebrows, and i always envied you for that.
there was never a hair out growing in the wrong place, and i'm pretty sure you never waxed or plucked them. you lucky boy.
when we were all sitting around the fire i looked over at jordan and i swore for a second it was you.
he looked identical to you.
it was so crazy, but it was comforting.
keep watching over all of us.
it means everything to me.

05.21.10

tonight was amazing.

i'm so glad i got to go and be apart of the concert tonight.

i only stayed for ask for the future though.

i just had no other reason or motivation to watch other bands.

they had no meaning to me.

it was kind of emotional.

when they started playing their first song i had to hold back tears.

i could feel them coming up but i knew if i started then i'd cry the whole time.

i just stared at the guy playing bass and thought it should be you instead.

he's all i could look at.

at the beginning there weren't very many people there and i could see the whole band from the back where i was sitting down.

with my momma and your momma, and your dad, and your brother and his girlfriend.

but as more people started showing up i slowly could see less and less of the stage,

but i could always. always see the bassist.

which made me wish even more that is was you.

so i could get to see you preform.

just once.

there was a time when these people came in, a group of three, and they blocked my whole view.

but after about 15 seconds two of them took a few steps over and once again, i could see the guy playing the bass.

i think that was a message.?

i don't know what the message was.

or maybe it's in my head.

i honestly have no idea.

i felt so lucky i got to be there while your sweet family experienced the concert.

i wonder what their experience was like.

i wonder if they wanted to cry. or if they were happy. or what.

it's really none of my business, stuff like that just fascinates me.

i love knowing how people feel.

i'm pretty sure you loved the song they wrote for you.

i really did let quite a few tears out during that.

the words hit me so hard.

they were so... heart felt and amazing.

it was such a special moment for me, and it kinda made me mad to look around and see people talking and laughing and kinda dancing stupid.

that might be a little dramatic, but it did.

i felt like that was suppose to be your moment for the night, and people didn't even know.

i know it was written for people to enjoy, but i just don't feel like it was a happy enjoy moment.

more of like a somber, special remembrance enjoy.

i don't know if that makes sense or if it's just me.

can i tell you how cute i think your family is.

i don't know, i just love them.

i love your mom. she's so sweet and so strong.

i love your dad. he makes me laugh. i don't think he even means to.

i love your sister. she wrote all those sweet letters to you when you were first gone.

i love your brothers. they remind me of you.

i don't know why, but the second i saw your mom at the funeral i just had a feeling she was someone i wanted to stay in touch with.

she's someone i wanted in my life.

and she's an amazing example to me.

i wanna be more like her.

especially when i grow up and get to be a mom to a sweet boy like you.

who will be named addison.

i promise you.

my heart is set on naming my first boy after you.

after your band was done i got a cd, and a shirt, and pins:)

it made me so happy.

and then my mom bought me ANOTHER shirt, a bigger one.

so i could sleep in it:)

which means if i get fat, i'll always be able to wear it.

yayy.

i can't wait for the next concert i go to.

i already know when it is.

june 11, at the same place,

with allred.

we love allred remember.?

at the secondhand serenade concert he opened for we stood there and sang the with or without you song.

member.?

i do.

we called jessicas mom and left it on her voice mail.

i wish you could be there to play with him.

that would be MY dream come true.

and i think that you would think it was pretty cool.

i can only imagine the text you would send me telling me about it:)

i wish you could text me. and tell me alllll about it.

i have so much on my mind. and this is already so long.

just know, ask for the future is my new favorite.

i'm listening to the cd right now.

and wearing my shirt:)

and now i'm going to go to beddd.

i know your happy with how the show went tonight.

i just wish it was you.

05.20.10

can i just tell you...

how excited i am for the concert tomorrow.?

i've been looking forward to it so much that this week has felt like a billion.

it sucks.

i just want it to be here.

i hope they let me buy tickets there, or i will be distraught.

it will be terrible.

i wrote you a letter today during school,

but i don't know if i want to write it on here, because it was so super dramatic.

i don't want anyone to think i'm psychotic.

even though i can be.

i miss you.

a whole lot.

i wish i could just text you and tell you about everything so you could tell me i was being dramatic,

or that everything would be okay.

i love love love reading what people write on your facebook wall.

and everything that they loved about you.

it just makes me smile.

:)

05.16.10

i never write on my blog about my everyday life anymore.

because everything i feel like i say i'll just say it to you.

even though you already know everything going on with me.

and everything i'm feeling.

i was looking on my facebook the other day and your band posted a status.

it amazed me, to say the least.

it said some of the bands music would be on some quite popular reality tv shows.

i loved it. loved loved loved it.

you would seriously be so famous one day.

one day sooner then i would expect to!

i'm going to buy an ask for the future shirt at the show.

and i'm gonna wear it all the time.

and i'll tell everyone that my best friend isss in that band. :)

i saw a picture of you playing your bass and your fingers amaze me.

they are sooo long and pretty.

they are simply perfect for playing guitar.

unlike mine.

i like to think my fingers are long and quite pretty, but i could never get the chords where one finger was suppose to be on the top string,

and the next finger on the bottom string.

i struggleddd.

i miss you more and more every day.

i feel like one day it should just be easy and i shouldn't miss you so much,

but i don't think that will ever come.

you'll always always have the most special place in my heart.

i can't wait til friday.

love you forever.

05.06.10

i miss you a lot lately.

i swear everything i see reminds me of you.

ever since i went to your house the other week it's seriously everything.

i remember your dad telling me you guys would watch wizards of waverly place, and phineas and ferb.

and that your girlfriend was demi lovato.

and everytime i watch tv i see those shows or that girl.

and sometimes i have to bring myself to watch wizards of waverly place.

i always think of that home video your mom showed us, where you were flying a kite and telling jordan you saved your money for a foam airplane, and you got a foam air plane!!

i seriously crack up every time i think of it.

while we looked at your scrapbooks that day i could so see you.

to me you looked the same.

but when your mom showed us more recent pictures it got harder.

but i still loved it, and i loved your long hair, even if your parents didn't love it. haha(:

i can't believe it's been two months.

that means that two months ago today brian tried telling me and i didn't believe him.

i just couldn't.

someone like you couldn't be gone.

especially without me being able to say goodbye.

there's probably a reason i didn't get to say goodbye.

i would never let you go.

i would make you stay at my house with me forever.

and we would never do anything because i wouldn't want anything to happen to you.

i think one of the reasons why i've been thinking about you so much lately is because i don't think you'd be too happy with some of the decisions i've made and some of things going on in my life.

i think your disappointed
but i'm pretty sure your with me and helping me through it.

i keep listening to the last song you recorded with brett mcneill.
and i love it.
i have to listen to it over and over again.
i remember your cute mom telling me how you told her the words were genius.
and your definitely right.
they are.
and so is your amazing guitar playing.