06.03.10

porter can i be honest.?
i miss you so much today.
i just barely realized that's part of my little funk today.
there's other things, but i think it's mostly that i miss you.
my mom told me secondhand serenade is coming to thanksgiving point july 17.
i wanna go sooo bad.
but i don't know who to go with.
i feel like concerts are something special, and i'm suppose to go with someone special.
but i don't have you to go with anymore.
the last secondhand serenade concert at thanksgiving point was the last time i ever saw you.
ever. and i'm still so embarassed about that.
i dropped off the planet pretty much, and dropped pretty much everyone from my life.
i hate it, and i wish so badly i could change it.
if i go i'm going to feel like something huge is missing.
because you'll be missing.
i haven't had the braclet me and will and brian made for you on lately.
but not because i haven't wanted to.
to tell the truth i thought i lost it, and i hateddd myself.
deep down i knew it had to be somewhere in all my crap, but i couldn't figure out where.
but today while i was walking in the laundry room i decided to look down and i saw it on the ground:)
it made me so happy.
and i don't think i'll everrrr take it off again.
your band was on some mtv show last night.
amazing.
i didn't watch it, but they said it was on, and i happen to think that's the coolest thing ever.
wanna know what else would be the coolest thing ever.?
if you were here to play with allred.
that would make the rest of my life so happy to see you stage, and then him.
i would be so proud.
i am so proud.
i'm so lucky i got to call you my friend, and still can.
i wanna go on the hike again porter.
but i don't think i'll make it.
i swear i can barely walk lately without getting sick.
i hate it.
i feel like i can't do anything.
but it's okay.
i know that only the best can come out of this situation.
i need to go see your grave.
i feel like i'm the last person to.
probably because i am.
i'm seriously such a bad friend.
even my sister went the other day.
she said she swore she could feel you.
and i totally believe her.
i love that even though your not here anymore you still continue to touch people.
and you let us all know your okay, and that your happy.
i don't think i could even handle any of this if you hadn't given me those moments of peace and happiness where i could feel you.
the one that stands out most is when i was on the hike and i felt so peaceful.
i wanted to cry, but then everything just felt right.
you were where you were suppose to be, and i was where i was suppose to be.
your family came up the canyon with us to our cabin and it was so much fun.
i love them all.
so many things that your brothers did or said reminded me of you so much.
everything about them reminds me of you.
their teeth, their eyebrows, their voices, everything.
you always had perfect eyebrows, and i always envied you for that.
there was never a hair out growing in the wrong place, and i'm pretty sure you never waxed or plucked them. you lucky boy.
when we were all sitting around the fire i looked over at jordan and i swore for a second it was you.
he looked identical to you.
it was so crazy, but it was comforting.
keep watching over all of us.
it means everything to me.