Saturday, April 24, 2010


yesterday i went on the hike. it was pretty crazy.
i learned how out of shape i am.
that was kind of depressing.
i didn't make it to the cliff.
i could've if i would've sat and rested for a long while.
i think part of it was in my head.
i don't know if i could've stood on that cliff without breaking down.
which i haven't done for a while, because i know that's not what you want me to do.
i sat and thought on those rock step things and just sat while will and stephen and brian went to the top.
and i felt a lot calmer sitting there thinking about you, and what happened, then i ever have before.
it was kind of amazing.
i think that's why i was suppose to go up there.
because yesterday was just a whim.
i was laying in bed the night before mad about something, and all the sudden i got a feeling i needed to do it.
i'm gonna do it again, and this time i'll go to the top. all the way up the cliff.
and i'm gonna sit and think about all our good times. and i will not cry. at least not sad tears.
i'll be happy. they'll be happy tears if i do cry.
i'll be so blessed i got to spend as much time as i did with you. and experienced everything i got to with you.
i felt... weird? (i'm not sure if that's the right word.) hanging out with will without you. and brian.
cuz i never even hung out with you two.
as weird? as it might have been though, i felt you close. super close.
i'm pretty sure you were with us.
and you were with me while i was sitting staring at the cliff, and it gave me peace.
don't get me wrong, i miss you like crazy.
it's insane.
it makes me sad you had to be gone for me to realize you were my veryy best guy friend.
i always knew we were good friends and super close, but you were my best guy friend.
the only guy friend i've ever had that didn't have other intentions.

i'm going to your house on wednesday and i can't wait.
we're gonna look at your scrapbooks and just have fun remembering you.
can't wait.
miss you.



i went up the canyon yesterday, and it was super hard.
everywhere i looked i could see cliffs.
i couldn't get away from them.
i had to cover my eyes the most the time in the car.
i felt like i had to get out of there, but no one would listen to me.
i kept telling them i couldn't do it and that i wasn't ready to see things like that yet,
but i don't think they took me seriously.
in fact, i know they didn't because they didn't turn around and take me back home.
as hard as that was for me though, i'm going to go on the dry canyon hike.
it might take a while though.
i don't know why.
because i hate nature.
you know that
i really hate hiking, and now i am terrified of cliffs.
i just have a feeling i need to go.
maybe it will bring me closure.
i really don't know.
and i feel like i should go alone.
i know i'll be terrified, but i just have to do it.
i want to do it. for you.
i'm gonna try to stay away from any edges.
but you weren't even by the edge.

keep watching over everyone.
we miss you.

a while ago..

whenever i get free time in class my thoughts always end up on porter.
and the things i miss.
i'm not good at verbally expressing how i feel, so i always write it instead.
so during class when all my work is done.. (and even sometimes when it's not)
i write letters. because it's the way i feel like he knows what i want to say.
this is one i wrote, i don't know when. in the middle of march.?

dear porter,
you can't be gone. i refuse to believe it. i miss you so much. words could never describe.
it breaks my heart we hadn't talked more lately. now i know what i had and i can't get over it.
it hurts so bad knowing you texted me the day before everything happened.
i had a feeling to turn my phone on, but i didn't.
i'm constantly wondering what we would have talked about.
all i know is every time i think about that simple text i want to cry.
you were my best guy friend. ever.
there was never a time you weren't there for me.
i don't know how i'm going to do it without you porter.
you were the one i always counted on.
and you were the only person that never made me feel like i was being dramatic, even when i was.
we had so much fun together. going to concerts, taking silly pictures, hanging out with my mom, going to movies, talking, going on wagon rides, and car rides.
i even had fun at east shore with you.
how am i suppose to go in there without bawling?
i don't know if i can even handle going to school tomorrow, and you didn't even go to my school.
it will break my heart to see all the kids who don't care about life, throwing theirs away.
cuz that should be you porter.
you should be here.
you lived your life to the fullest and took full advantage of it.
and you taught me so much. and you still had so much more to teach me.
so much more to teach everyone.
i never got to see you play a show. because i was selfish and i thought i had to go see new moon, or do something else stupid.
the closest i ever got was to see a video of on your phone of you and will.
you were playing guitar and will was singing amazing grace like a woman.
i'm sorry porter.
i love you.


anyone who reads this wants to share memories, or stories of porter e mail them to me
and i will be more then willing to post them on this little blog of mine.
this is my blog just for porter, and my way of sharing how i feel.