Friday, May 21, 2010


tonight was amazing.
i'm so glad i got to go and be apart of the concert tonight.
i only stayed for ask for the future though.
i just had no other reason or motivation to watch other bands.
they had no meaning to me.
it was kind of emotional.
when they started playing their first song i had to hold back tears.
i could feel them coming up but i knew if i started then i'd cry the whole time.
i just stared at the guy playing bass and thought it should be you instead.
he's all i could look at.
at the beginning there weren't very many people there and i could see the whole band from the back where i was sitting down.
with my momma and your momma, and your dad, and your brother and his girlfriend.
but as more people started showing up i slowly could see less and less of the stage,
but i could always. always see the bassist.
which made me wish even more that is was you.
so i could get to see you preform.
just once.
there was a time when these people came in, a group of three, and they blocked my whole view.
but after about 15 seconds two of them took a few steps over and once again, i could see the guy playing the bass.
i think that was a message.?
i don't know what the message was.
or maybe it's in my head.
i honestly have no idea.
i felt so lucky i got to be there while your sweet family experienced the concert.
i wonder what their experience was like.
i wonder if they wanted to cry. or if they were happy. or what.
it's really none of my business, stuff like that just fascinates me.
i love knowing how people feel.
i'm pretty sure you loved the song they wrote for you.
i really did let quite a few tears out during that.
the words hit me so hard.
they were so... heart felt and amazing.
it was such a special moment for me, and it kinda made me mad to look around and see people talking and laughing and kinda dancing stupid.
that might be a little dramatic, but it did.
i felt like that was suppose to be your moment for the night, and people didn't even know.
i know it was written for people to enjoy, but i just don't feel like it was a happy enjoy moment.
more of like a somber, special remembrance enjoy.
i don't know if that makes sense or if it's just me.
can i tell you how cute i think your family is.
i don't know, i just love them.
i love your mom. she's so sweet and so strong.
i love your dad. he makes me laugh. i don't think he even means to.
i love your sister. she wrote all those sweet letters to you when you were first gone.
i love your brothers. they remind me of you.
i don't know why, but the second i saw your mom at the funeral i just had a feeling she was someone i wanted to stay in touch with.
she's someone i wanted in my life.
and she's an amazing example to me.
i wanna be more like her.
especially when i grow up and get to be a mom to a sweet boy like you.
who will be named addison.
i promise you.
my heart is set on naming my first boy after you.
after your band was done i got a cd, and a shirt, and pins:)
it made me so happy.
and then my mom bought me ANOTHER shirt, a bigger one.
so i could sleep in it:)
which means if i get fat, i'll always be able to wear it.
i can't wait for the next concert i go to.
i already know when it is.
june 11, at the same place,
with allred.
we love allred remember.?
at the secondhand serenade concert he opened for we stood there and sang the with or without you song.
i do.
we called jessicas mom and left it on her voice mail.
i wish you could be there to play with him.
that would be MY dream come true.
and i think that you would think it was pretty cool.
i can only imagine the text you would send me telling me about it:)
i wish you could text me. and tell me alllll about it.
i have so much on my mind. and this is already so long.
just know, ask for the future is my new favorite.
i'm listening to the cd right now.
and wearing my shirt:)
and now i'm going to go to beddd.
i know your happy with how the show went tonight.
i just wish it was you.


susette said...

Sarah, you make me cry. But tears of a love for such a tender girl. I feel soooo honored you love Porter's name and him enough to use it for your own child someday.

I'm so glad you and mama came to the concert tonight and hung out with us. We enjoyed being with you. Too bad someone was missing :(

Do you think he gets to play music in heaven? I hope so. He would be very bored without it I'm afraid. I'm sure he's busy though whatever he's doing.

the weisenburger life said...

Sweet, sweet Sarah,

I love this blog and your tender feelings and to see you remembering Porter. I one thing with every fiber of my being... he is watching you and he is proud of you. You are a strong girl with an unbelievable spirit and potential. I love you.