Friday, May 21, 2010


tonight was amazing.
i'm so glad i got to go and be apart of the concert tonight.
i only stayed for ask for the future though.
i just had no other reason or motivation to watch other bands.
they had no meaning to me.
it was kind of emotional.
when they started playing their first song i had to hold back tears.
i could feel them coming up but i knew if i started then i'd cry the whole time.
i just stared at the guy playing bass and thought it should be you instead.
he's all i could look at.
at the beginning there weren't very many people there and i could see the whole band from the back where i was sitting down.
with my momma and your momma, and your dad, and your brother and his girlfriend.
but as more people started showing up i slowly could see less and less of the stage,
but i could always. always see the bassist.
which made me wish even more that is was you.
so i could get to see you preform.
just once.
there was a time when these people came in, a group of three, and they blocked my whole view.
but after about 15 seconds two of them took a few steps over and once again, i could see the guy playing the bass.
i think that was a message.?
i don't know what the message was.
or maybe it's in my head.
i honestly have no idea.
i felt so lucky i got to be there while your sweet family experienced the concert.
i wonder what their experience was like.
i wonder if they wanted to cry. or if they were happy. or what.
it's really none of my business, stuff like that just fascinates me.
i love knowing how people feel.
i'm pretty sure you loved the song they wrote for you.
i really did let quite a few tears out during that.
the words hit me so hard.
they were so... heart felt and amazing.
it was such a special moment for me, and it kinda made me mad to look around and see people talking and laughing and kinda dancing stupid.
that might be a little dramatic, but it did.
i felt like that was suppose to be your moment for the night, and people didn't even know.
i know it was written for people to enjoy, but i just don't feel like it was a happy enjoy moment.
more of like a somber, special remembrance enjoy.
i don't know if that makes sense or if it's just me.
can i tell you how cute i think your family is.
i don't know, i just love them.
i love your mom. she's so sweet and so strong.
i love your dad. he makes me laugh. i don't think he even means to.
i love your sister. she wrote all those sweet letters to you when you were first gone.
i love your brothers. they remind me of you.
i don't know why, but the second i saw your mom at the funeral i just had a feeling she was someone i wanted to stay in touch with.
she's someone i wanted in my life.
and she's an amazing example to me.
i wanna be more like her.
especially when i grow up and get to be a mom to a sweet boy like you.
who will be named addison.
i promise you.
my heart is set on naming my first boy after you.
after your band was done i got a cd, and a shirt, and pins:)
it made me so happy.
and then my mom bought me ANOTHER shirt, a bigger one.
so i could sleep in it:)
which means if i get fat, i'll always be able to wear it.
i can't wait for the next concert i go to.
i already know when it is.
june 11, at the same place,
with allred.
we love allred remember.?
at the secondhand serenade concert he opened for we stood there and sang the with or without you song.
i do.
we called jessicas mom and left it on her voice mail.
i wish you could be there to play with him.
that would be MY dream come true.
and i think that you would think it was pretty cool.
i can only imagine the text you would send me telling me about it:)
i wish you could text me. and tell me alllll about it.
i have so much on my mind. and this is already so long.
just know, ask for the future is my new favorite.
i'm listening to the cd right now.
and wearing my shirt:)
and now i'm going to go to beddd.
i know your happy with how the show went tonight.
i just wish it was you.

Thursday, May 20, 2010


can i just tell you...
how excited i am for the concert tomorrow.?
i've been looking forward to it so much that this week has felt like a billion.
it sucks.
i just want it to be here.
i hope they let me buy tickets there, or i will be distraught.
it will be terrible.
i wrote you a letter today during school,
but i don't know if i want to write it on here, because it was so super dramatic.
i don't want anyone to think i'm psychotic.
even though i can be.
i miss you.
a whole lot.
i wish i could just text you and tell you about everything so you could tell me i was being dramatic,
or that everything would be okay.
i love love love reading what people write on your facebook wall.
and everything that they loved about you.
it just makes me smile.

Sunday, May 16, 2010


i never write on my blog about my everyday life anymore.
because everything i feel like i say i'll just say it to you.
even though you already know everything going on with me.
and everything i'm feeling.
i was looking on my facebook the other day and your band posted a status.
it amazed me, to say the least.
it said some of the bands music would be on some quite popular reality tv shows.
i loved it. loved loved loved it.
you would seriously be so famous one day.
one day sooner then i would expect to!
i'm going to buy an ask for the future shirt at the show.
and i'm gonna wear it all the time.
and i'll tell everyone that my best friend isss in that band. :)
i saw a picture of you playing your bass and your fingers amaze me.
they are sooo long and pretty.
they are simply perfect for playing guitar.
unlike mine.
i like to think my fingers are long and quite pretty, but i could never get the chords where one finger was suppose to be on the top string,
and the next finger on the bottom string.
i struggleddd.
i miss you more and more every day.
i feel like one day it should just be easy and i shouldn't miss you so much,
but i don't think that will ever come.
you'll always always have the most special place in my heart.
i can't wait til friday.
love you forever.

Thursday, May 6, 2010


i miss you a lot lately.
i swear everything i see reminds me of you.
ever since i went to your house the other week it's seriously everything.
i remember your dad telling me you guys would watch wizards of waverly place, and phineas and ferb.
and that your girlfriend was demi lovato.
and everytime i watch tv i see those shows or that girl.
and sometimes i have to bring myself to watch wizards of waverly place.
i always think of that home video your mom showed us, where you were flying a kite and telling jordan you saved your money for a foam airplane, and you got a foam air plane!!
i seriously crack up every time i think of it.
while we looked at your scrapbooks that day i could so see you.
to me you looked the same.
but when your mom showed us more recent pictures it got harder.
but i still loved it, and i loved your long hair, even if your parents didn't love it. haha(:

i can't believe it's been two months.
that means that two months ago today brian tried telling me and i didn't believe him.
i just couldn't.
someone like you couldn't be gone.
especially without me being able to say goodbye.
there's probably a reason i didn't get to say goodbye.
i would never let you go.
i would make you stay at my house with me forever.
and we would never do anything because i wouldn't want anything to happen to you.

i think one of the reasons why i've been thinking about you so much lately is because i don't think you'd be too happy with some of the decisions i've made and some of things going on in my life.
i think your disappointed
but i'm pretty sure your with me and helping me through it.

i keep listening to the last song you recorded with brett mcneill.
and i love it.
i have to listen to it over and over again.
i remember your cute mom telling me how you told her the words were genius.
and your definitely right.
they are.
and so is your amazing guitar playing.