06.14.10

porter where do i even start?

why is life so crazy lately?

it's driving me crazy.

i'm sick of being all emotional all the time and the most little thing setting me off.

i went to the ask for the future concert on friday.

i was SO excited.

i was gonna go with my mom and my sister, but they couldn't go so i had to find someone else to go with me.

and i knew that with the person that said they could go, it probably wouldn't work out as perfect as i wanted it to.

i was so excited to see your band, and then see allred.

that was going to be the highlight of my year.

we were gonna go to gateway and get this ring i wanted, and then her friend called, and i thought he'd be fun to hang out with.

so we went and picked him and his friend up and went to the concert.

and they ended up telling me something that made me soo mad and i was mad at everyone, and everything.

it started to make my tummy hurt.

the girl ended up randomly leaving while your band was setting up.

and right when she left, they wanted to leave too,

but i didn't want to leave at least without hearing your song.

so i asked if we could just stay until i heard one song, and then i would take them back.

it was so awkward. i hated it.

it's not fun at all being with people when you know they just want to leave.

and the reason why they want to leave is because the "pretty, fun girl" left.

i don't even want to be the fun pretty girl, because honestly, i could care less.

and they always have so much drama. it doesn't seem worth it. i just want people to be nice and treat me with respect.

it all just made me miss you.

i don't know why, probably because you never ever treated me like that.

so by the time ask for the future started playing, i was upset about those boys being jerks, and i was upset about something else that had happened, and i was upset that i missed you, and that the girl i was with just ditched me.

is it bad it still hasn't hit me that your gone?

and that you aren't coming back?

at the concert my brain was obviously dead, and it was being so stupid, because all i could think was "i wish porter was playing. it's okay, he's just on vacation, he'll be back."

i don't even know why.

it's just not... real yet.

i don't think it will ever be real to me.

it can't be real that someone my age, that i care about sooo much can be gone forever.

and then i would realize you weren't on vacation.

i guess i could think of it like that, because i'm sure were you are is much better then where i am.

but i can't count day the days til you come home or anything.

i think that's the hardest part for me.

you already know, but ask for the future did amazing. like always.

and all i could do was look at the bass player.

they played your song, and just like last time, i couldn't even make it to the words before i started crying.

and the chorus has been stuck in my head all weekend.

i want them to hurry and record it so i can listen to it whenever i want.

that will be a good day(:

we all miss you so much.