4.20.2010

yesterday i went on the hike. it was pretty crazy.

i learned how out of shape i am.

that was kind of depressing.

i didn't make it to the cliff.

i could've if i would've sat and rested for a long while.

i think part of it was in my head.

i don't know if i could've stood on that cliff without breaking down.

which i haven't done for a while, because i know that's not what you want me to do.

i sat and thought on those rock step things and just sat while will and stephen and brian went to the top.

and i felt a lot calmer sitting there thinking about you, and what happened, then i ever have before.

it was kind of amazing.

i think that's why i was suppose to go up there.

because yesterday was just a whim.

i was laying in bed the night before mad about something, and all the sudden i got a feeling i needed to do it.

i'm gonna do it again, and this time i'll go to the top. all the way up the cliff.

and i'm gonna sit and think about all our good times. and i will not cry. at least not sad tears.

i'll be happy. they'll be happy tears if i do cry.

i'll be so blessed i got to spend as much time as i did with you. and experienced everything i got to with you.

i felt... weird? (i'm not sure if that's the right word.) hanging out with will without you. and brian.

cuz i never even hung out with you two.

as weird? as it might have been though, i felt you close. super close.

i'm pretty sure you were with us.

and you were with me while i was sitting staring at the cliff, and it gave me peace.

don't get me wrong, i miss you like crazy.

it's insane.

it makes me sad you had to be gone for me to realize you were my veryy best guy friend.

i always knew we were good friends and super close, but you were my best guy friend.

the only guy friend i've ever had that didn't have other intentions.

i'm going to your house on wednesday and i can't wait.

we're gonna look at your scrapbooks and just have fun remembering you.

can't wait.

miss you.

sarah